O.o

[Christina The Great]

Walking down the halls, with a soul bearly glowing, the life low in my eyes. People of happiness discern that look in people as anger, as insanity, as depression. I remember looking into their eyes, and seeing ignorance. The cigarette smoke in my lungs, was not painful, but that of a tainted breath of god, entering me. Reading old journal entires, looking at old photos, seeing old faces. I see both now, what it was to look with the embers of my tattered heart showing the only love and compassion that I had saved in all my younger years, through my lifeless eyes. And what it is to look at someone, who reminded me of myself, and see them with love and passion, and look at them with such ignorance. If they would only know to let go. Let go of it all, and their soul will be freed. And they would cry such pure tears. But its not to say that never again they would suffer, suffering I believe is not inevitabe, it's a choice. In the moment, to decide whether or not you want to submit to the things that are happening, or to keep going, and not so much not to mourn, or not to not think about it. Just let it pass over oneself. I've been low, very low, but I don't think I remember being very high, mentally yes, from narcotics, but never spiritually high. I wish to achieve that feeling. I don't know how to express it, because I think the closest I've ever felt to it was when I was in love, *smirk* and even that gave me such a low.

Steven said to me, the night I turned 17, I was drunk talking about how I missed this certain someone, and he said 'Well I've never been in love, but I assume that love would last forever." I was sitting there, and just gawked and realized this individual never loved me. Then I started laughing, maybe out of anxiety, that I had wasted so many hears lighting a candle each night to the shrine of "us" in my heart. Then I questioned all form of happiness in me. These times I laughed with my friends, was I happy? It made me reflect the mirrow of my life. See the things behind me, without turely looking back, and going back. Because no one is on the path behind me from whence I came, at least no one I want to see. Or embrace.

I think in certain friendships there are those I "hang out with" out of mere reverance to the old times. To of how we laughed, how we lived, how many memories we had. I sit there and play with the sleeves of my sweater, sometimes I'm lost for words. I know in my heart relationships never end, even if they are declared officially over. The feelings, still somewhat continue. The memories of your friend or lover, when triggered will bring a smile to your face, the good ones of coarse. I don't want to shut people out of my life. It's just, sometimes there's nothing left to say. Nothing left to do. Just enjoy each other. In silence sometimes. Most of the time, as I'm seeing. It's hard to discuss things that..I don't have the same opinion about anymore. To talk about things I no longer have interest in. Growing together, without growing apart quote comes to my head.

"You can pretend you never saw the things you saw and continue life as you knew it. Or you can accept the things you saw and change."

I want to be silent for a long while, and just listen. Listen to everything that once made me scream- not to rebuild that emotion but to now look with a new perspective why I screamed. What happened?

I had a dream last night about many people in my life. And I re-lived the dream each time from everyones shoes. It was not odd, just enlightening. And on the whole it came to me, at the end, my friends were reading all my journals, and I did not get mad- because I under stood their reasoning. I just laughed, and patted the two who were reading it, then snatched it away. Obviously they were shocked. They thought it would be the end to our friendship, and I became shocked. Such a little thing break the friendship? Then I was in this pond swimming, backfloating- then it became a pool-just transformed around me and I stood up, and everyone in my life was there. Everyone who I had ever met. A girl who was not me, rose out of my body and walked around and said hi to everyone, and i just was there wading water, for it had become deep. Looking around and everyone saw her, and loved her. But it wasn't me. But in my dream I was seeing from my eyes, and her eyes.

I'm not sure what it means. I'm not sure where exactly I stand in my life at this moment, or where I want to stand for that matter. I remember who I've been, but I don't know who I am.

If I could go back and do it differently. I was about to type I would, but when I think about it, I wouldn't.

Just thoughts I'm having.

Inventing Johnny (book I'm writing) Is very difficult to, go through with. Because I will be revealing the deepest parts and secrets of me. It's like putting a piece, if not half of my soul on the table, and saying "dig in". If anyone has ever been pantsed in public, or gone skinny dipping and had their clothes hidden very far away in sight of other clothed people, where they had to retrieve them. It's sort of that feeling. Where you just want to cover yourself, but you're forced to face whats happening, and just for a moment, even let them see you. You, no clothes, nothing just you.

I feel by finishing this book, and letting people read it. I will be at that pool party in my dream. Or a room full of those people, and walk into the room naked, and say "hey, this is me. I'm not that girl you always thought I was. In fact I don't know why I'm doing this. I haven't lied to you, it was a part of me - but it was not the entirety of me, there is so much more. But I don't know who I am. I don't know if I find joy in spending time with you. Any of you. Not to say I didn't, I did. I enjoyed time, etched with laughter and tears with everyone of you. But I am different now, I always have been. I don't want to be here anymore. At least, not for a while. I'm going, I don't intend to take anyone with me. Or call any of you. This is a good bye incase when I leave, I never wish to return."

That sounds harsh, I'm not saying fuck you to everyone. I just need time to see me, to find me. Not find, realize me. There have been so many memories, and so many people. I want to solve this puzzle my own, with no outside influence.

I want to stabalize myself.

Love,

Christina